Mate Selection and Marriage in Korea
"Who will I marry?" " When will I get married?" " What kind of person do I want to marry?" These are all questions that one in our society might ask one's self. For most of time in Korea, however, the choice of one's mate for life was made in a manner different from the process we are familiar with here in the United States. The Korean process of mate selection, how it has evolved, and their marriages today are explored within these pages.
Traditionally, the process of choosing a mate was handled with great care, but not by the bride or by the bridegroom, but by the parents of those to be married. Indeed, the bride and the bride-groom had no choice in the matter. Love nor romance played any factor in the decision whatsoever (Korean Overseas Information Service 1978, p.251). Primary emphasis was on the succession of lineage and prosperity of the family. Marriage was considered to have a great effect on the decline or fall of the husband's family. For this reason, marriage between different social classes was rare (Hakwon-sa Ltd. 1963, p.622).
An intermediary or go-between relayed information about the social and economic status as well as other factors (i.e.," virginity of both parties") of the prospective families of those to be wed. These parents, also called honju, were the "masters of marriage" (Hakwon-sa Ltd. 1963, p.622; Korean Overseas Information Service 1978, p.331). They often made these agreements for the future wedding when the offspring were very young. The higher the status of the family the younger they wed. In most all situations, people were usually wed before the age of 20 (Korean Overseas Information Service 1978,pp.330,332). The female was often older than the male in these arranged marriages and by the time the male was of marrying age the female was quite a bit older and the male did not find her attractive. In order to deal with this problem, the institution of concubinage was allowed in which a "second wife" was permitted to live under the same roof with the main wife (Hakwon-sa Ltd. 1963, p.622).
Prearranged mariages are more rare today and are more commonly found in rural areas (Hakwon-sa Ltd. 1963, p.628). Some of the traditions of the past are still seen however in the mate selection process. According to the Korean Overseas Information Service of 1987, page 241, there are two basic paths to mate selection. One is similar to the traditional arranged marriages of the past where the couple did not meet one another until the wedding. The process today still involves an arranged marriage and there is still an intermediary but the final decision for marriage lies with the couple facing marriage, not with the parents.This process, called chungmae, does involve the meeting of the couple before the betrothal, but several complicated traditional procedures are followed.
First,the fortunes of both are extremely important and if deemed unsatisfactory by either party disinterest may follow. These fortunes are examined first by looking at the couple's "four-pillars"- the year, month, day, and hour of birth which supposedly influence one's fortune. For example,if the four pillars are good one will be successful in government service, but if one's hour pillar is bad, one will poor and die young. The next process, called kunghap, is usually given by a fortune-teller and is considered of such importance that even if the four-pillars predicts good fortune, if the kunghap predicts difficulty interests among the parties may lessen. If all is satisfactory, an engagement follows during which the couple is permitted social-intercourse unlike the traditional custom which allowed no contact.
In the 1993 edition of A Handbook of Korea the processes for engagement and wedding ceremonies in Chungmae are very detailed. For the engagement ceremony, the two families get together at the girl's house, or sometines at a hotel or restaurant, but never at the boy's house, The two young people exchange gifts, and a piece of handmade white paper on which the man's four pillars have been written is ceremoniously presented to the girl's family. A discussion follows and the marriage date is selected. A few days before the scheduled marriage ceremony, the man's family usually sends a ham or box containing gifts or yemul for the bride. These normally are yards of red and blue fabric for a traditional dress and jewelry. In the past a servant usually carried the box but nowadays friends of the bridegroom generally perform the honor. The box was usually delivered at night and upon approaching the house, the carrier, with much frolicking and joking, would shout "Buy a ham! Ham for sale." The ham would not be given to the parents of the bride until wine and food and a sum of money had been given as bribes. Upon receiving the money, the carrier would then present the ham to the bride's father. For his service the carrier would be treated to a feast at which time the bride's father would open the ham and examine the contents.( Korean Overseas Information Service, 1993 p.163)
"The traditional wedding ceremony normally was held at the bride's house, either in the front room or the courtyard. It began with the bride and groom exchanging bows and drinks. This was done facing each other with the wedding table between them. On the table were red and blue threads, burning candles, and a pair of wooden ducks symboliaing conjugal affection. During the bows the bride was usually assisted by an elderly female servant or a woman well versed in wedding procedures" (Korean Overseas Information Service, 1993 p.163)
We also learn on page 332 of the 1978 Korean Overseas Information Service that throughout the centuries the Korean society has addressed the matter of endogamy - marriage within a particular group, in this case referring to marriage among those who are related on the father's side both descending from the same progenitor are forbidden to marry. This matter has been acknowledged formally as early as 1461 and again in 1669 in which the latter forbade marriage not only among those with the same last surname and the same ancestral origin, but also among those having the same last surname who had different ancestral origins. This last law did not deter many marriages and in 1905 the government changed the law back forbidding only marriages among those with shared ancestral origins and shared surnames.
A second basic path to mate selection is the romantic ideal of the love match called yonae (Korean Overseas Information Service 1987, p.251). This involves the meeting, falling in love, and ultimate marriage of two people. (United States Government 1982,p.82). This type of mate selection is more prominent in urban areas and "their numbers are growing". After meeting one another, a period of dating follows during which the couple gets to know one another and if interested continue the relationship falling in love." It is estimated that this Western-style of mate selection accounts for about half of the marriages in the country" (Hakwon-sa Ltd. p.628).
"These days, weddings are usually held in public wedding halls. Amid music played on a piano or tape recorded, the bridegroom, wearing a Western-style suit, enters the hall where guests are seated and stands before the presiding person. The bride, dressed in a Wesern wedding dress, enters and escorted by her father, takes her place by the groom. Facing each other before the officiator, the bride and groom exchange vows and gifts. The officiator usually gives a lengthy homily on love, social duty, and life in general. Then the bride and groom bow to the guests and the ceremony is over except for the picture taking."(Korean Overseas Information Service, 1993 p.164).
Though the institution of concubinage was established and at one time practiced, fidelity was and is considered to be of extreme value and is particularly esteemed in the women(p.146). If a woman's husband dies she is to remain unmarried and continue to take care of the family. This custom applies to engaged women also who have lost a fiancé to death. Those who can adhere to such acts of fidelity are reverently admired and many communities showed their admiration by erecting stone monuments in their honor. Marriage, indeed engagement especially for women, is a life-long commitment to one partner. Our government documents tell us that although divorce is still frowned upon, divorces do occur with both men and women able to obtain them (United States Government 1982, p.83).
The customs and traditions of the Korean culture, though not as stringent as in the past, are still reflected in the mate selection processes chosen by many Koreans today. In fact, one Korean individual reported being married once before having followed the Western-style mate selection process and ultimately the marriage ended in divorce. He is presently engaged again though this time through an arranged marriage to a young woman who is presently in Korea but will be brought to him here in this country to be wed. He does not know her though he does know what she looks like. She is the daughter of a friend of his mother's in Korea (Choe, Jeesun 1998, April Interview). This gentleman is an excellent example of how Korea and it's people are in a period of transition and exploration. While retaining vestiges of it's past, their society is reflecting changes in this aspect of their culture that reflect liberal attitudes as well. The meshing of these attitudes and practices makes modern Korea the country it is today.
I am a student at the University of Huntsville in Alabama. I am a single mother of three daughters and life is always interesting and exciting for me!!
Students will develop a better understanding of social relationships in Korea, specifically, mate selection and marriage. First, they will consider social relationships at the personal level in their own families. They will interview members of their families(from at least 2 different generations) who are married, have been married, or are engaged. From this information and the information learned on Korean mate selection and marriages, they will be able to understand and appreciate the differences of mate selection among our society and the Korean society. Students will compose a written "book" containing the information found on their own families. They will also compose a written short story with Korean characters depicting a mate selection process culminating with a Korean marriage. The students will work in groups and perform short skits depicting one area of the Korean process of mate selection.
Students will:
If possible, arrange for a Korean guest speaker to speak to the students during one class period. Possible resources for locating a speaker might be the internet, of course, your local university, or the chamber of commerce (specialized groups).
